I Release Thee

The other day I came to a startling realization; I was trying to completely control certain aspects of my life that I have zero control over IN THIS MOMENT. And because of the actual lack of control I have, I was creating undue stress and anxiety for no real  reason. Yes, these things are happening. Could they have been prevented? Maybe. Yes, various medical professionals are telling me to “just lose weight” (don’t get me going!) and these issues should just fix themselves… but it’s still not guaranteed!

I was so hyper focused on the fact that “if I just lost weight”, suddenly all these issues would disappear – and the fact that despite losing 5 lbs the first month back at the gym in February, I gained it back in March despite going 26/31 days, three of the missed days because I ended up in emergency or had medical appointments. I was looking at ways to lose weight fast instead of building a healthy foundation of sustainable habits in a holistic way that will bring me joy and peace… which is pretty opposite of how I’m living now; in chaos.

 Now, in actuality, my life is pretty laid back and tame. Especially because of covid. But the fact is, I’m not living my truth and that can feel like chaos.

So the other day, I accepted the fact that I have no control. I don’t have control and that’s okay. Shit happens, and that’s okay. I need to do what’s required of me to get across this next hurdle. And then the next. Then the next. I need to get my life into a position of loving peace while going through this so mentally I can endure and thrive. I had already started with getting more physically active, and once the weather starts getting even nicer, I’ll be even more active. But not only that, and possibly more importantly, I also need to look at my home environment and diet.

My big project at the moment is my room – we live in a 3 bedroom unit and the master bedroom is just big enough for the king bed and 2 night stands, so both my husband and I have a room where all our stuff/clothes go. Mine is a disaster. I have too much “stuff”. Part of it is laziness and another part is lack of storage – so I’ve been going through everything – and if I don’t see it contributing to where I want my life to go, I get rid of it. I’ll be getting some shelves from Ikea on the weekend and I have some baskets on their way. There’s so much I need in my room but don’t want to see any of it. I’m going through my clothes and sketch books and various art supplies. I want a nice, peaceful place where I can go and meditate and do some yoga in the morning. Right now I can’t walk over to my dresser to get a clean pair of underwear!

(Obviously I do, but it is challenging!) And more often than not, I have a laundry basket of clean clothes that I need to put away – but I can’t get to my dresser – so I get my stuff from there!

It’s a work in progress, but it’s a start! I try to spend an hour or so a day working on it. More on the weekend and it’s coming along really well!

I also want to start using the back yard – something we haven’t done in a VERY long time!  We did in Comox a bit and I really miss it. The other day I splurged and picked up a hammock and stand. While I was on sick leave and holidays (2 weeks off) I spent a fair amount of time outside sitting on the doorstep. There was still snow on the ground but we had bought a bird feeder and I took a lot of joy sitting outside listening and watching the birds. Even had one eat out of my hand!

I feel calm and at ease when I’m in nature and I knew I need to spend more time out there – and I love hammocks. I’d love a patio set and plants and flowers to enjoy… but we’ll see!

The big take away for me – and hopefully for you – is learning to quiet everything around you so you can really hear what it is you want from yourself and your life. Mute what you hear and see on social media, silence the suggestions from friends or family members who may not have your best interest in mind, erase what society has been regurgitating for decades and decide for yourself, by yourself, what YOU want to do with YOUR life.

Yes, you may have a shit hand right now but bad times don’t last – I promise you. But don’t focus so much on the bad that you miss out on the good.

You got this!


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