If you are unaware that June is Pride Month, you’re blind! My TikTok is flooded with videos from many different people from the LGBTQ+ community. My feed is full of lesbians, trans, queer, and gay people – and I LOVE IT!!! And for the first time, I’ve felt seen. I’ve come across a lot of women who are married to a man who are bisexual, but feel their sexuality is invalid because of their marital status.
I have known since I was 12 or 13 that I liked both girls and boys. I never said anything back then as I knew it was “wrong”. In my early 20’s, I had a crush on a girl that I worked with. I never told her how I felt, but I confided to her a couple things – troubles I had with another gal we worked with. The next thing I knew, they were “best buds” and she never spoke to me – even when she was moving provinces a month later, she never said goodbye. I felt so betrayed that I shut myself off to women.
It wasn’t until I was in my mid 30’s that we got into a group of people that I felt welcomed and not judged. I even had my first girlfriends during this time… though they ended poorly and though I am still in contact with one of them, the second relationship ended horribly and even the time within the relationship, there was gas lighting. It has left me wary of getting into “formal” relationships with women… well, any type of relationship, actually.
However, the one consistent thing about my sexuality over the years is my lack of acknowledging it. I have pretended I’m straight my whole life… until this Pride.
I don’t know what the draw was to “come out” this year, but it felt important to me. For the last few years, I’ve been all about “living life to the fullest”, and “be true to you!”, and “be unapologetically yourself”… and yet, I’ve been unable to express and claim this part of my life for a very long time. I guess I figured it was about time!
So then there was the huge obstacle (in my mind)… my mom. Though between my parents, my mom would be the more accepting.
I prepared for the phonecall for at least a week as I knew my mom would call me on my birthday. I warned my husband- in a very tearful conversation – my need to “come out”. He has always known about me being bisexual and he’s encouraged and allowed me to have a girlfriend – no strings attached (as I know someone will assume he wants a 3-some). He understands that being with a woman is different than with a man; something he can’t give me.
Just as I expected, my mom called me on my birthday – about the same time I was going to call her so I could “break the news”. We chit-chatted for a little bit then before we said goodbye, I told her.
I was terrified! Though I don’t know exactly why – I’ve been out of the house for 27 years! It’s not like I’d be kicked out of the house! Though I guess she could disown me and I guess that’s what I was afraid of.
She took it as well as I could hope. When I mentioned that I knew I was bisexual from a young age, she admitted that if I had come out then, the conversation would have been very different… but I’m an adult.
I don’t know what future conversations will be like; she was the only person I told directly as I didn’t want her to find out from someoneother than me. Most found out on my birthday IG post as my birthday cake was the colors of the bisexual pride flag – and as my sister-in-law commented, I know my brother also knows.
Things will come out… at least this way I can control when it comes out and to whom. And now I can support the LGBTQ+ community and not worry who is going to find out.