I’m Not Here For You

There’s an unwritten rule based on white patriarchal beliefs that women are not supposed to be seen as sexual beings as an individual right. Don’t believe me? Where do you think victim blaming with sexual assault comes from? Women are here only to service men – when and where men decide. “Look at what she’s wearing; she’s obviously asking for it”

Just look at history; women have often been thought of as “lesser”. Women couldn’t even vote all across Canada until 1940 – starting in 1916 with Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba. Even nowadays, wage gaps between men and women doing the same job are still present. The military has been the only work I’ve done where the wage is even and transparent where anyone can go online and see what the wage is – from a Private going through basic training to the highest ranking officer. However, there are still some men who don’t believe women belong in the military.

There’s still men who believe that a woman’s place is in the kitchen; “barefoot and pregnant”. Keeping women at home and not working means the man can control every aspect of his wife’s life. No work experience = no income. No income = unable to get credit. No credit = unable to get anything. You pretty much need credit to get anything: loan, housing, even a cellphone! If the woman is in an abusive relationship, what are they supposed to do? Where are they supposed to go? How are they supposed to make a living?

And heaven forbid you’re a black woman!

In the 20th century, J. Marion Sims used black women for surgical procedures without anesthesia because it was believed that they don’t feel pain.

And in 30 countries around the world (concentrated in Africa) young girls are subjected to a barbaric practice of female genital mutilation or FGM. This is where there is a partial or full removal of the clitoral glans preformed on girls between infancy and age 15 – often with no anesthesia and without proper surgical tools, hygiene and surgical training. This is done because it removes a girl’s/woman’s libido, believing a girl won’t have sex before marriage and once married, won’t be tempted to an extramarital affair. Needless to say, this procedure is completely unnecessary, extremely painful, likelihood of infection and problems for life – if it doesn’t kill her in the process!

Just to control women.

I think think that’s why women like Madonna were controversial in the 80’s. She was outloud and unapologetic about her sexuality and sensuality and she told us to “express yourself”.

And yet, we’re still repressed.

Growing up, I wanted nothing to do with actually growing up and becoming a woman. Maybe it was from being sexually abused as a child, but everything to do with “down there” was very shameful for me. From my menstrual cycle, pap tests, sex and sexuality was extremely embarrassing and shameful for me. Even as an adult, I don’t claim my sexuality and sensuality. Even though I’ve been married for 24 years, I am hugely embarrassed to masturbate in front of my husband, even in the heat of 4-play.

There. I said it. MASTURBATE!! Masturbate, masturbate, MASTURBATE!!!!

There seems to be a bit of a movement on my social media about sensuality and masturbation – and specifically reclaiming it as women. It actually came up so frequently, I had to wonder if it was “national masturbation day”…. and I checked, and it was 7 May – and a lot of the posts I’ve been seeing have been late June.

The thing is, when women claim their sexuality, sensuality, and the stigma around masturbation is lost, it shows them that they don’t need a man to receive pleasure. Sex suddenly isn’t about pleasing the man – though it SHOULD be about both people being satisfied, not just the man. I think women who own their sexuality intimidate men.

And heaven forbid there be an army of confident women who don’t settle in their lives or their bedroom! Heaven forbid women become outspoken about what they want and need!

But women are constantly shamed. Wearing certain clothes, wearing makeup, perfume, jewelry, etc – who are you trying to impress? If you’re wearing clothing that’s low cut? Or a hemline that’s short? Or tight? Then you’re considered a slut. If you sleep with multiple partners, then you’re a whore. And if you’re overweight, then you have absolutely no right to be sexy, sexual, or sensual. You can’t wear sexy clothes. You can’t have multiple partners.

Fuck that shit!

The dominance of white patriarchal beliefs are being challenged! Women everywhere are recognizing that their rights as a sexual individual are being oppressed to be in service to men! Women are taking back their identity to be the bad ass bitch THEY want to be! They’re living their life – in and out of the bedroom – on THEIR terms! They’re challenging the societal norm and living a life THEY want!

Because if you can’t be happy on your own, you won’t be happy with someone else in the picture.

So get dressed up for yourself! Go on a date by yourself! Buy something sexy for yourself! Take photos for yourself! And touch yourself!

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