Am I a Hypocrite?

This follows up on my IG post on Friday:

Choosing to lose weight, gain weight, or stay the same, can all be acts of self love and body positivity.

You see, I’ve registered for Oxygen Magazine’s 90 day challenge starting 4 May 20… so tomorrow. It’s going to require adjusting how I eat – and, specifically, eating enough – and increasing my exercise to add cross-training in resistance exercise.

For the last 2 1/2 years I’ve been against diet-culture, embracing intuitive eating, and listening to my body. I worked so hard on my mental health my physical health suffered. I put on a lot of weight and as much as I’m okay with it, I don’t want to stay at my current size. I am listening to my intuition on this because it is keeping me from doing things I want to do.

Since getting back from Kuwait at the end of June 2017, I KNEW I needed to change my mindset… but I think I was afraid that continuing to eat healthy, watching what I ate, and exercising how I was, would make me a hypocrite. How could I shun diet culture, embrace intuitive eating, while keeping my old habits?

And this has been the inkling that something was wrong in my thought process. I’ve written a fair number of blog posts about this, but this one from back in October “Slippery Slope of Dieting” really hits the nail on the head.

I should have realized that eating healthful foods and movement is a way for me to honor my body. I wasn’t doing it for any other reason than because it makes me feel good. And now that I’ve come to that conclusion, I’m trying to dig my way out of the hole I got myself in.

And here’s the problem. I’m competitive in nature. I had been registered for the 5km Mud Girl run which I did last year, but because of Covid-19, it has been cancelled. There is the Army Run in October time frame, but at the moment, it’s hard to say if it’ll be cancelled. I’ll continue running as I’m enjoying it and, ultimately, it’ll help my heart health, but I needed something. Something immediate.

The advertisement for the “90 day challenge” popped up for no apparent reason and I took it as a sign. Even though there’s an entry fee, I figured, since I’m not paying for my yoga, I won’t be financially out.

I’m actually really excited to get started. I’ve been ready for a while now to really increase my exercise to add more functional and resistance training and building core strength. I’m looking forward to increasing my fitness health – especially if I can make improvements before my next physical fitness test and the second part of my annual medical.

So how is everything I’ve said not associated with diet culture?

Because I KNOW losing weight won’t make me happy – and I am more body accepting now than I was when I was competing at 125 lbs. As the other blog post stated, I’ve healed that which hurt me and now I can heal my body. My relationship with food has never been better as is my relationship with exercise. When I see things improving – like my running endurance – I want to do more to challenge myself and improve myself.

And there is nothing – NOTHING – wrong with that.

However, like I’ve known and said all along – and even my husband said – I’m a naturally competitive person. The problem has been that I’ve never been able to muster that drive outside of competition. I need that carrot to push myself and carry on when things get hard.

Do I think I’ll fall back on negative, harmful habits? It’s always a possibility but because I’m aware and conscious of this possibility, I’m hoping it won’t be a problem.

So today I start my journey to take my health back. And I couldn’t be more excited!

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