Everyone has heard that saying… and chances are, it’s either been said to you or you’ve said it to someone.
I always hated that saying.
I’ve had two miscarriages and that was said to me a couple of times for both. Let me tell you this… do NOT tell someone who has had a miscarriage that “everything happens for a reason”. They DON’T want to hear that! Especially if there was no reason! I was healthy, there was no reason! The doctors were surprised as there was no reason!!! Many things happen for no reason – they just happen!
Not “everything happens for a reason”… but it IS possible to find meaning in everything
Reflecting back on the two miscarriages, I do believe that it was a good thing. I never wanted to bare children – I’ve always wanted to adopt. From the time I was young, I never wanted to go through the pregnancy process. I’ve always wanted to adopt. And the best part of adoption is there’s no real age limit on it! At 42, almost 43, I would be a high risk pregnancy. Not the case with adoption.
There’s lots of shitty things that happen to good people.
For instance, the recent suicide bombings in Sri Lanka… How is it possible to see the meaning behind such senseless violence against the innocent – where it was indiscriminate against age and sex and religion.
How is it possible to find the meaning behind something so senseless? Is it even possible to find anything “good” in such violence? We HAVE to. If we go around, witnessing all the atrocities in the world, we’ll become cold and bitter and angry. Yes, we SHOULD be angry – but that anger is only founded if there is action. Don’t be angry for the sake of being angry – that’s a terrible state to live in. Be angry if it’s going to create positive action – and not by responding in violence.
Sometimes the greatest positive
action happens after the most terrible events. Do we need tighter gun laws? Better childcare laws? Better vehicle safety? Harsher punishments? Better teacher intervention? Invest more into healthcare? More training for public servants?
How can you find the meaning of a suicide? If you focus on the terrible act of the suicide, you’ll miss out on remembering the time you had together – all the good times, the laughs, the smiles… it is easy to lose yourself in the “why didn’t I notice?” and “was there anything I could have done?”
I’ve been there. The gal who sat beside me for 4 months as we went through our military trades training committed suicide 2 months after graduation. I was devastated. I went through all the emotions; disbelief (she just didn’t seem the type) to anger (there is ALWAYS a way out!) but as the years pass, I can reflect back and look at the pictures and remember the fun we had on our last day together, the last time I saw her alive: graduation day.
When my dad passed away, I had a lot of issues with anger. Why didn’t he take better care of himself? Why didn’t he take a more pro-active approach to his health? And all that. Part of the anger was not feeling like I could express my grief; I was being strong for my mom. It took me 2 years to stop remembering every detail of those last moments; the look on my mom’s face when she came into the palliative care lobby room where we were putting a puzzle together, saying “he’s not breathing”. The sobbing as my sister-in-law and I clung to each other in the store she worked at and vaguely hearing “their dad just passed away” as her co-worker explained to a customer. It took me to the second anniversary of his death to remember HIM and not his death – my brother and I were so, extremely lucky with our parents.
Not getting what you want sucks.
But what sucks, is focusing on that perceived negative situation and not seeing the positivity of the situation.
Yes, I know, all those hate/terror attacks are terrible. I can’t even begin to imagine what families and friends have gone through and it will take a long time to get over their loss. My only hope is that they don’t focus on the loss – and the anger that I am certain comes with that!
Don’t let those terrible events make you bitter and angry.
Try, please try, to see the good. Please don’t let the world make you bitter at the “unfairness” of life. Please believe that it will get better.